Lessons From A Self-Proclaimed Enlightened Monk

You want to find the meaning of life, you say? I will gladly teach you. The first lesson: life is a lesson. Second lesson: does the polar bear wonder why he is always so cold? No he is chill like that. Do fish wish they had feathers? Why does the three legged elephant cry at night? If the meaning of life was a mirror, then you must be a vampire because you can’t see shit. Third lesson: buy incense and chakra bracelets and tell everyone that you are seeking enlightenment. Fourth lesson: smoking weed is essential, so you can reach that “higher plane of reality.” Fifth lesson: tell the girl at Starbucks who is taking your order that her aura is “so rich and vibrant that you can actually see that her future will be full of moments.” Sixth lesson: think about joining the Red Cross, but then change your mind and instead donate a dollar a month. After you donate the dollar, you can now tell everyone you are a humanitarian and that you save lives. If you look at an orange, does the orange look back at you? Seventh lesson: you need to make an Etsy account and artisically type out, on your antique typewriter, motivational quotes and sell them for outrageous prices. Happiness is like a partially eaten orange that is vegan, organic, non-gmo, vegetarian, and picked by a Buddhist monk that has reached Nirvana whilst he balanced the ladder that teetered closer to the abyss of abominations and, that tottered to close to the chasm of chlamydia. Eighth lesson: meditate for approximately two minutes each and every da…”sneezes,” darn month. After about a couple months, you will definitely become enlightened, but only 50% of the time. If you want to reach Nirvana, then you should buy my book. My book is only $15.99 at select book stores. Critics say, “This is my son’s best book yet!” You know you can trust me because I once skimmed an article about the Dalai Lama in The Oprah Magazine.